I have a lot to say!

GREETINGS to you after quite a long hiatus! It's been almost a year since I've blogged. Nothing like a life changing event to get you back in the "writing about Jesus" saddle. So many of you have followed my journey on facebook, through emails, through phone conversations, texts, etc., but what really has taken place in my heart has only been shared with a few close friends. I was praying this morning and told the Lord that I didn't want the events of January and February 2012 to be in vain. My family and I have been through such a huge trial and to think that it may not be used to it's full capacity makes this heart of mine skip a beat. I'm not exactly sure how God will use me or this event. I do know that He is good and He will use me, and you, as much as we allow Him. So ... here's part of my story - for those of you inclined to read this I thank you. This is my heart pouring out what God has put into it. Only Jesus Himself could've put these words and this song into my heart on this glorious 1st day of March, 2012.

January 2012
I love the month of January because it's my birthday month. I love that it's the beginning of a new year and it represents a fresh start. I always wonder what the year will hold in store for me, my family and my life. From 1995 to 2000 I wondered if it would be THE year I would find a mate. In the years 2002 to 2006 I wondered if it would be the year I would have a baby. In the years 2007 to 2010 I wondered if it would be the year I would finally lose weight. In January of 2012 I did NOT anticipate cancer would change my life and that the God Almighty would use it to create a fresh start in my heart. It is very good that we do not know, ahead of time, what the Lord will ask of us. I could give you all the sordid details of procedures, dates, agonizing nights, crying spells, faith spells and super scary moments that are involved when the "C" word becomes a reality, but I would like to share what happened in my heart when this dreaded word entered my world. I crumbled. I came to a screeching halt END of me. All that embodied Ann Malone Lester Franco stopped. My identity, my security, my reality shifted. I cried out to God, but shockingly I didn't cry "WHY!???!!" I instead cried "HELP!!!" Somehow, all the years of loving Him caught up with me. Somehow, His Spirit held me and lifted me - just like the Bible said it would. Somehow, I fell on my knees and surrendered my life. I don't know how it happened. All I know is that I will never be the same. I look out at the mountains,the trees, and all of nature and I see things differently now. My absolute worst fear came to fruition and GOD really did what He said He would do - He lifted me up and out of it.
The night before my surgery Franco and I had the "I might not make it" talk. We cried and the words that came from within even shocked me. I told him that if I died in surgery that he should cry ... for he and the boys - never for me and I actually meant it. You see, a paradigm shift inside my BEING had occurred. On January 1, 2012 the thought of leaving this earth and all the gifts that had been given to me, from the Father of Lights was an unbearable concept that I avoided. Trusting God with my children and my life was something I avoided meditating on because I just couldn't deal with the option that might be behind DOOR NUMBER TWO. I ranted and raved and claimed and prayed the blood and stood on the promise that I WOULD HAVE THE LIFE I WANTED! But was this ranting and raving out of trust ... no, it was out of fear. On February 26, 2012, this little heart of mine began to trust. My white knuckled, spiritual hands let loose. I knew that if I died my boys would be okay. I knew that my parents would continue on their Kingdom journey. I knew that my precious soul mate, Franco, would be crushed, but not destroyed. I realized that I wanted to stay here on earth to serve them, to enjoy them, to watch them flourish instead of constantly being afraid of losing them. I grasped and believed the concept that they BELONG TO GOD - not to me.
I invite all of you to pray for this reckless abandonment of the control you think you have. Abandon the fear, the religious mantra, and the control that you never really had. Instead, rest, enjoy, relish, play, laugh, imagine, and hold onto His hand through it all. It's up to you really ... choose this day whom you will serve -your control, your life, your agenda or the Lord. The taste of freedom is sweet - I should know.
More to come in the following days - my heart is full, my body is weak and my God is precious.
xoxox
Ann